There's a monster in my garden
And it's wearing my best clothes
Assaulting all the neighbours
With a big red shiney nose
There's a monster in my living room
And it's slurring all my words
Drinking beer and singing songs
And chatting up the birds
Oh, and he's never felt so low
Oh, he's never been so high
And if you met him
He'd be the lovliest man you ever could meet
Won't someone take him home
There's a monster in my kitchen
And he's thrown up on my lap
And throwing up is a party trick
He's very good at that
Oh, and he's never felt so low
Oh, he's never been so high
And if you saw him
He'd be the ugliest man you ever could see
And better left alone
There's a monster in the hallway
And the monster's little me
I'm taking myself up the stairs to bed
That's where I ought to be\