I know it seems like nobody is home
But I'm a bit tied-up and can't get to the phone
There's this scary bird, and I know this sounds absurd
But she's kidnapped me, and won't set me free
I didn't suss it was a trap
Oh God, I've been so bloody crap
She pulled my Les Paul, down from the wall
And sat a laptop on my lap
She said she wouldn't set me free
Until I wrote a new CD
Of brand-new tracks, recorded back to back
Songs of love for my sweet misery
And I know it seems that nobody is home
But I'm a bit tied-up and can't get to the phone
And there's this girl that holding me
She's pumping me with LSD
And giving me shocks, for my writer's block
She made some toast and scrambled eggs
I ate them up and then I begged
Please let me go, no one will know
She said she break both of my legs
And I know it seems like nobody is home
I'm a bit tied-up and can't get to the phone
And there this crazy chick and I know this sounds quite sick
But what I wouldn't give, for an iron pig
(“what are you sitting there staring into space for?
You're on my time now, you dirty bird.
I want a verse and a chorus before tea-time dearie
And I want to read every word”)
I took a butter knife that I'd hid in my back wallet pocket
Made a lunge for her back but she knocked me to the ground
She punched me in the face
But from the corner of my eye, I could see my salvation, I could see my salvation
Hit her with the pig, hit her with the pig!
Hit her with the pig, hit her with the pig!
(trumpet break)
I'm FREEEEEE,
Bye bye baby, I'm glad you died
I don't hate you though I tried
So long sweetheart, don't get wrong
If it weren't for you I wouldn't have this song\