There's a monster in my garden\\
And it's wearing my best clothes\\
Assaulting all the neighbours\\
With a big red shiney nose\\

There's a monster in my living room\\
And it's slurring all my words\\
Drinking beer and singing songs\\
And chatting up the birds\\

Oh, and he's never felt so low\\
Oh, he's never been so high\\
And if you met him\\
He'd be the lovliest man you ever could meet\\
Won't someone take him home\\

There's a monster in my kitchen\\
And he's thrown up on my lap\\
And throwing up is a party trick\\
He's very good at that\\

Oh, and he's never felt so low\\
Oh, he's never been so high\\
And if you saw him\\
He'd be the ugliest man you ever could see\\
And better left alone\\

There's a monster in the hallway\\
And the monster's little me\\
I'm taking myself up the stairs to bed\\
That's where I ought to be\