I know it seems like nobody is home\\
But I'm a bit tied-up and can't get to the phone\\
There's this scary bird, and I know this sounds absurd\\
But she's kidnapped me, and won't set me free\\

I didn't suss it was a trap\\
Oh God, I've been so bloody crap\\
She pulled my Les Paul, down from the wall\\
And sat a laptop on my lap\\

She said she wouldn't set me free\\
Until I wrote a new CD\\
Of brand-new tracks, recorded back to back\\
Songs of love for my sweet misery\\

And I know it seems that nobody is home\\
But I'm a bit tied-up and can't get to the phone\\
And there's this girl that holding me\\
She's pumping me with LSD\\
And giving me shocks, for my writer's block\\

She made some toast and scrambled eggs\\
I ate them up and then I begged\\
Please let me go, no one will know\\
She said she break both of my legs\\

And I know it seems like nobody is home\\
I'm a bit tied-up and can't get to the phone\\
And there this crazy chick and I know this sounds quite sick\\
But what I wouldn't give, for an iron pig\\

("what are you sitting there staring into space for?\\
You're on my time now, you dirty bird.\\
I want a verse and a chorus before tea-time dearie\\
And I want to read every word")\\

I took a butter knife that I'd hid in my back wallet pocket\\
Made a lunge for her back but she knocked me to the ground\\
She punched me in the face\\
But from the corner of my eye, I could see my salvation, I could see my salvation\\
Hit her with the pig, hit her with the pig!\\
Hit her with the pig, hit her with the pig!\\

(trumpet break)\\
I'm FREEEEEE, \\

Bye bye baby, I'm glad you died\\
I don't hate you though I tried\\
So long sweetheart, don't get wrong\\
If it weren't for you I wouldn't have this song\